 This Leo new moon is drawing from within me a tangle of self-confrontation. Lynx-spirit sits beneath my consciousness, drives me slowly through these dark woods - we see very little for the blur swallowing up my brain. It is a neutral darkness, however, a void from which I can create. Clean slate. But I don't feel clean. Not in thought. Perhaps in physical form and even spirit, but not in thought. Self-judgement never serves. I am not served. Self-blame never serves. I am not served. Self-pity never serves. I am not served. Can pray now - oh almighty flames - to the fire of benevolence I throw my worries. Take them, consume. Allow me to refresh my heart. Before the torturous thoughts multiply too far, please find again the dawn of a good mood, a better stance between the worlds, within my happiness. In the clean, dark, neutral void of moon in newness-phase, these intents I set: Strengthen the heart's desire for and manifestation of the radiant health of my family, starting with my child. Calm the nervous throes of imbalances within my mental, emotional, etheric selves. Download concise knowledge of which actions to take in the direction of my dreams, be it simply sitting and drawing, writing, dancing in my room, planning the birth experience, finding a home for Eric-me-and-baby, opening a studio/family business, applying to graduate school, etc. Anchor my [our/everyone's] prayers for RELIEF in the world. Solidify them within the crystal chambers of Earth Mother. Vibrate them throughout all molecules upon her and around her. Shoot them up into infinitudes where they will be amplified by Angels and carried throughout all time, space, and dimensions. Set them into BEING. Dear dark goddess Moon, I thank you for the choices you've illuminated for me to see, by your previous wholeness in my pragmatic sign of Capricorn, across from the Sun which sat in Cancer, configuring the energy of home. I opened my heart, and continue to, so that blessings may enter and also be emitted. At times, it has not been an easy summer for me, having met with many ideas to let go of, and while I can acknowledge that I've done so mostly with grace, I also acknowledge that it has taken a toll on my soul. I need reinforcements now. I no longer turn to the plant medicine which had so deeply helped me in times past. I turn to the whole glory of all nature, all living things, all breath and elements. I turn to my own heart. I turn and turn and turn, to be still. The child within me turns as well, and together, our hearts beat these intentions into being. With Jupiter also being in Leo, only one degree away from New Moon, may these intentions be blessed with the EXPANSION so beautifully empowered by that magical planet. "The Quest Degree (degree after) of the new Moon is Leo 5: Rock Formations Towering Over A Deep Canyon. We may be pushed to jump into the void, to take a big step, a big risk, or to figure out where we may have painted ourselves into a corner." ~ from Lynda Hill's Sabian Symbols  Taken at Moab, on way back from Colorado with my Eric. April, 2014 I open myself to this quest. May I either take the big step to begin applying for graduate school, if my intent [to download concise knowledge of action to take in direction of my dreams] is legitimate, true in my heart, and aligned with my destiny. Or may I understand where I might have put myself in a corner. i.e., is a "corner" something like only 10% chance of being accepted, then the task of getting funding, then the task of doing all the grad work while raising a child, then the task of, then the task of, etc etc, but wouldn't it be worth it, if it is truly in my heart? What will be my concentration of study and research? What will be the ultimate outcome and career move? Shall I also beseech the beautiful New Moon goddess for this information? Can it formulate better within me? The idea is the department of World Arts and Cultures at UCLA. You sort of create your own concentration. Here is the brainstorm I have thus far: Place of origin - diaspora - community Imprint - inner world - magnetizing to interests Mysticism - folkdance - "belly"dance unveiled as birth dance Psychological 'need' for expression - art and poetry as pulse Undefined instinctual leanings - psychosis Visual Art - Russian language and heritage - "gypsy" Becoming what one imagines And much more, but trying to keep it simple... yeah right! Please oh magic Moon add these questions of mine to your powerful void beyond our earthly comprehension. Help me to stir their vibrations within my soul and understand if I must leap, or if I must retreat - and work on the mysteries within my own realms, without branching out into academia ? Further thinking on this question, I'd like to incude a bit more from Lynda Hill regarding the Quest degree of this New Moon. I often resonate with Sabian Astrology, and the "Quest" degree is of interest because it is directly what we are heading into: "Keywords [for Leo 5: Rock Formations Towering Over A Deep Canyon]: Old structures and deep hazards. The choice: taking chances or standing still. Walking very close to the edge. Extreme sports. Risk taking. New takes on old situations. Additions to things long established. Masada.* Mountains. Valleys and gorges. Fortifications. Isolation. The grandeur of nature. The forces of evolution. Rock. Geology. Layers of permanence. Landscapes. Canyons. Vertigo. No going back. Stability behind - the unknown in front. Great heights. Monuments. The Caution: Painting oneself into a corner. Not being able to retrace one’s steps. Instability. Erosion. Jumping into the void without a safety net. Cracks appearing. Doing a “Geronimo.” Being right on the edge. Feeling like life is impossibly hard." I accept the caution of feeling life is hard… I summon all my strength so as not to give in to this tempting self-wallowing. I do not wish to even think this way in regards to the people I know are suffering in the world. Of course life is "hard' for them. "Impossibly" so. And yet, I would bet anyone that you can find open, loving, tender hearts in any war-torn region upon the Earth. You can find beautiful smiles, selfless acts, honest expressions. Perhaps even the ugliest of crimes which I judge as wrong and unfair, are merely honest expressions. Honest expressions of, unfortunately, the extreme imbalance in our world. I've spent the previous couple blog entries complaining of how our spirituality is not enough to lift up the injustices… and I am still sitting with this discomfort, this yearning for something deeper and greater than what we've so far "figured out." But I also know that I must continue to soften my heart, even in the face of the fear I feel regarding horrific things that are happening. They've always been happening, just with all our social media and immediate information these days, they are much more in our face. We must rise to the occasion of being able to see it, digest it, and do something about it. How exactly will a Masters degree in "World Arts and Cultures" help me to do something about it? That is my deepest question for this New Moon's loving darkness. As a child grows within me (five and a half months along at this point), I grow each day, with each heartbeat. I dedicate each breath to my own understanding of how to best serve the world, so that my son may grow up respecting it, thriving within it, and contributing to its wonder.  Image from www.veredgo.com * Masada - an ancient fortification in Israel, atop a rock plateau. I send my prayers there, along with the prayers of billions of our human hearts, wishing for RELIEF for the conflict in Gaza, which of course is a distance away from this landmark (one of Israel's top tourist destinations), but close enough to feel the Weight of our hearts' efforts. I mean, look at all the open expansive space! It can hold our kindness, our love, our truth, not to mention the actual humans who can't figure out how to share geographically abundant territory! There is room for us all, without the need to slaughter each other! I know there are conflicts happening elsewhere. Gaza is hot on our American news ticket, but represents an ancient and fundamental rift in our civilization's entire essence. I hope that with the amount of healing energy being emitted from truth-seeking, peace-loving hearts - all intense, unjust, unstable, deadly conflicts and miscommunications can be brought to resolution. My perhaps-naive little prayer on this dark new moon night, as the lion roars in the recessed cave of our conscience, is that we may know what to do, what action to take, what words to speak, what energy to transmit. May the vibration be raised to such a degree that the low frequencies of disaster abate. Rrrroar!!! Stand off!!!
My heart now feels purified by this cathartic process of writing all these words, per the beginning of this post, my mention of feeling unclean in thought due to self-judgement… self-blame - no more! I declare my heart pure. A child grows within me. I have a new gift, of a Mother's power. I say, stand off! Low vibes of nastiness and ignorance, stand off! Oh Moon above us, you must have observed so much by now, with your ongoing orbit, seeing the same shit down here centuries after centuries. Please clue us in, what can we do differently? Please help us raise our consciousness. I call to you, and to your celestial cohorts, infinite realms of guides available to us if we only reach out and call… I call. Hear me, for the sake of my growing child yet to be born into this spinning theater. For the sake of the children born not long before him. And for those born soon after. For us all. Born. To Live!
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