 When it comes to thinking about our world (almost all day every day for me), why am I so dumbfounded by my own emotion that I can only think of paragraphs to post on facebook? I seem to only go as far as composing a superficial woe-begotten mini-rant, asking rhetorical questions and rehashing sentimental platitudes. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself with this observation. Paragraphs are better than nothing. Or are they just babble? Emotional purging for the sake of not much else. So many of us think and speak and write of how we fear the world in which we're raising our children. Fear it and question it and pray for it and... dread it. It's like we just dread the future, how much more horrific it can get, the way it seems to be going. Many of us pray and write hopeful things. And take hopeful actions. And get things done and change the world and save lives and create inventions and discoveries. I do have faith in us. But... but but but. Something's missing. Something's terribly wrong. I know it is, because I used to think I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders needlessly - and now I think I do it with no other choice. I suppose that's because I'm a mother now, and I feel like I just can't let myself off the hook. I feel as if a buried speck of knowledge and ability lies somewhere within me that I am not allowing to surface. If I don't light the way into that abyss with my own feelings and emotion, how will I ever unearth it? My old philosophy of living my joy is exactly that - it's old. I don't feel pure joy anymore in this world except when I'm with my son... And that isn't fair to him. I must not use him as my therapeutic solace. I wish to build a world for him where real joy is possible - not at the expense of barbaric wars and wasted resources. No, I can't live with all this blood on my hands. That of innocent people lost in the name of a fictitious cause... "fighting terror" and all this bullshit. The fight is the terror. The FIGHT. We stick play swords in our kids' hands and let them pretend to stab each other. We buy them plastic guns and let them shoot each other as they run through the park, shouting "I'm gonna kill you!" I know this observation isn't a new one, and it goes right along with my usual status-paragraph complaints. I just want to reaffirm it to myself - to challenge myself to raise my son with perspective, with awareness. To speak to him realistically about the effects of violence. To not instill in him that it is something in our nature. It may have been so in the past, as a means of survival; but it need not be so now. Unfortunately my ideal doesn't sit with the real "now." Sure there are statistics for how less violent and poverty-stricken the world is now than in the past. But that doesn't mean it ISN'T violent and poverty-stricken. And I think it's a shame that it is, considering all of our evolutionary advancements. It's a shame that huge wars are waged for the sake of questionable motives. It's a shame that there are stories and explanations and wool over everyone's eyes. It's a shame that we aren't able to solve our problems. Put as simply as I can - I think it's a damn shame. So I am challenging myself to think differently. Think of what hasn't occurred to me yet. Think of what I've been missing. There isn't really a simple answer. Or is there? Is it just staring me in the face, a quantum degree away? What is real power? Do we possess it? How can we harness it? How can it have any effect? Here are my rhetorical questions again. Well, Yanika. Start thinking. They say that overthinking is useless and even dangerous... I've definitely over-thought before to the point of feeling stagnated, or to taking unnecessary action... But to think differently isn't to think too much. It's literally that - different. It's different. What does that mean? I think it is both forgiving and holding evil accountable at the same time. It's acknowledging what's wrong, not bypassing it with explanations and theories. It's.... Oh I don't know. It's beyond words. It's a simple prayer, it's a rhythmic heartbeat. It's a dying star inside a supermassive black hole inside a supernova birthing a new star. It's truth. And indeed it's out there somewhere. All the way out there, right in here. *points to brain* I hope I can get nearer to it. Create it if I must.
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 Often I set ambitious intentions, in a mood of productivity and with an optimistic certainty that I can achieve them. Often I waver in my optimism, or just reorganize my thoughts surrounding the intent. Often I empower myself with a new moon's cleansing and initiating energy, and watch the productivity build towards the full moon and its reaping effulgence; or watch as the wavering seems to take over, out of a necessity within my true self to guide its own motivation and actions authentically. Often I do not "achieve" a particular goal because somewhere along the way, I just let it go. At some point my heart decides otherwise. At many points it hesitates and questions, but in gradually learning the maturity of honesty with oneself, this heart of mine is beginning to allow itself the hesitation where appropriate. It is only personal choice which dictates such appropriateness. Personal choice, and a nebulous cosmic ebb and flow with which my spirit dances. When I align with this mysterious movement, my choices are made in heart-brain coherence; and instead of hesitation and questioning, I observe and participate in the magic of *flow.*
Instead of pouring time and energy into graduate school applications, as I had previously intended two moons ago, I have watched a new idea spring up and take over my attentions. It wasn't actually a new idea, but a new just-do-it approach which allowed me to finally take action instead of just dreaming about it. I have begun to offer a prenatal bellydance class! Seven months pregnant and loving my body, swimming daily, indulging in meditations, yoga and dancing, I feel healthy, alive, vibrant. I encounter challenges - like antsy restlessness during a 100 degree heat wave caused by solar-flares, and moodiness; although it's fun to blame these complaints on pregnancy (since they've made not infrequent appearances in other points of my life where I really had no excuse). Despite the added challenge of being apart from my child's father, as he must finish his work arrangement in Northern CA before he can move down here to LA (soon, in November, thank goodness!), and the challenge of being self-employed and not generating the energy to encourage my motivation to earn money (wow, that is quite a run-on-sentence/euphemism-for-being-broke) ~ despite despite despite, all these things, I am deeply full of gratitude. I carve a bottomless well within me for the stores of gratitude to be kept, purified by the well-water's molecular structure of love, infinitely deep and reaching zeniths in the multiverse's holographic endlessness, circling back to their beginnings as inhales, resetting at maximum gratitude between breaths, exhaling and looping again to infinitudes and dancing between dimensions forming beautiful arrays of snowflake-like geometries. This is as close as my words can get to describing the specifics of my gratitude. It's a dancing light, a spectrum of vibrations of kindness and appreciation, a pulse and heartbeat of constant thanks, and reverence for existence. I am so grateful for my Mother and Father allowing me to stay in their home, feeding me deliciously and nutritiously, being my best friends. And of course am so grateful for my friends, those supportive hearts which beat their own lives' beautiful dances, and I get to watch as our energies intermingle and coexist upon this dynamic organism of a planet. And the gratitude extends to and includes the man I love, the father of this life growing within me; his deep blue eyes, deep resonant voice, deep spiraling soul. With 500 miles between us, I still feel immediate closeness to his essence. The physical plane flies along in hyperspace with the astral and etheric everything else. We soar amongst it, carrying our hopes and prayers, our goals and dreams, our doubts and fears. And we are cleansed and uplifted at any moment, by our intent. I believe it is our sincere intent - to be strong, to be healthy, to live, to thrive, to contribute, to inspire… which holds the omniscient and inevitable power to heal ourselves, heal our world, uphold and build our consciousness in the direction of what is best for everyone and everything that exists. What is best? Who knows!? Love, truth, beauty (in my opinion, beauty is key)… and for me personally, a beautiful healthy little baby boy born naturally come early December! I am so excited! I have always wanted to become a mother! And with this baby's birth on my mind and in my heart everyday these past months, I have watched my new-moon intentions fluctuate, and my full-moon celebrations build ~ as if the purifying darkness of the Earth's shadow upon the moon, with its empowerment of sewing our seeds and then nurturing them as the light builds, is actually my moment to let go. Let go of the need to chart and plan everything. Allow myself to grow so silent that I begin to hear the pulse of my blood in the river that is my system of veins and arteries, reaching my baby, ever-connected and dancing together, allowing me to hear the messages from my higher self, which wants only health, truth, and beauty. Simplicity. Authenticity. Honesty. Reverence for existence. The health of my growing baby, a healthy birth for him, a healthy life for him! Healthy grandparents and parents for him. Healthy environment and world for him. And on that note, as for world and environment ~ that is, however, a new-moon intention that I will never let go of. It is not even an intention I set during a particular astronomical arrangement, it is ever-present. It is the intention to keep alive and burning my flame of prayer for the peace and health of our world. It does not ebb and flow like my hesitations about whether I'm ready to commit to graduate school or whether I intend finding an apartment close to my parents or a place by the beach… the prayer for the world's healing and improvement is in my every breath. As I carry this baby, I imagine that he can telepathically sense that I am constantly wishing for this, and with his heartbeat added to mine, we are double-prayers, holding double-space, creating a double-vessel into which can flow the rays of light which carry the atomic structure of balance, peace, evolving technologies and consciousness towards understanding of the sacredness of life and the preservation of it. This little baby and I pray everyday, to be inspired by our hearts' true desire, which is to see this world, in this next generation, truly improve itself. In ways we might not even be able to imagine. We do our best imagining all sorts of ways. But just as in any intention-setting process, we may imagine the grandest possibilities, and even declare them as inevitabilities, and still then, release them, like the Sagitarrian arrow from its bow, to the greater forces beyond our comprehension. Perhaps our higher selves indeed do comprehend these forces, harbor them, initiate them and carry them out. Or we stand and observe our faith in both ourselves and a higher force, whether within us or beyond us, one and the same, do the magic of fulfilling our desires in ways even more grand than we had envisioned. After letting go, letting go, letting go… trying to simplify my prayer and my intent so that it is clear - I wish to discern which actions to take, how best to contribute to the world, and how best to step into the role of *mother.* My gratitude wells up within me so fast and hard that it bursts the dam of my eyelids, my tears flood toward my hands. Tears of thanks, for being alive, and having these sensory experiences of soul. Plant a seed in my soul. I've been tending the soil and preparing the ground. I've been nurturing the matter and fostering the spirit. Anchored in the Earth, I open my entire heart, brain, nervous system and electromagnetic torus field. I feel plasma love fill me from infinite galaxies in infinite universes. I feel the dirt and greenery of my planet, I long for its waters, the smell of its seas, the blues of its skies and the sweetness of its fruits. I also long for the depth of starry space. And I know true love. So I am a very fortunate human being. I imagine that anyone reading these words is able to receive this energy, in this moment, whoooosh, a bunch o' love!
I summon the deepest truth from within me. In the room I've sat so much and prayed and yearned, I sit now again and see yet another angle of the infinite facets of spirit… I realize any outward reaching of mine has always actually been just reaching within, even when not realizing that is the only "place" to find peace, answers, solutions, ideas, comfort. With my great fortune of love in life, I know well what it is to find peace and comfort "outside" oneself - for it's just so close and so ready, so reliable - all the people (and plants and animals!) who love, who give, who ask nothing in return, and who breathe through a smile. Yet I also know what it is to seek truth within, deep deep within. Even when not intending to do so, sometimes just riding along and plummeting towards a sort of transcendence. Stepping upon prismatic puddles of the rainbow oil of life lived for love. Existing to love. To speak of beauty and seek it everywhere. To know there is no longer a need for seeking. This seed is one of a tinkling truth which silently subtly sat straight by me all the while. Turning to look again, turning to wonder once more, yep, all clear, at last - for a glimpse again, of that "sort of" transcendence. It holds all the love that cannot be held. With that life-force, I seal this light-wave, onto every nerve-center onto every strand of DNA into every membrane, nucleus, neutrino - everything which comprises my body and soul, my world, my people, my land, none of it "mine," but all of it within me - and pray. Here I pray. Deep within the kingdom of goddess god goodness good within the deep of me, reflected by pristine mirrors (with a scratch here and there) but quite lucid nonetheless… I pray for true presence. Moments, in which to serve. Give light. Community. Peace. What we truly need. Slippery thoughts meander not through these inspired halls of cell walls and pulsing blood. With this aliveness, I pray for my Mother, my Father, my every Relative and every Friend, my every Guide and every Angel. I count an uncountable amount of blessings. I give thanks with every breath in, and I release with every breath out. I witness beautiful music in my headphones and my heart swells with warmth at seeing the simple sight of my cat sleeping at my feet. I hold what needs to be held. And I let go of everything else. What needs holding? This seed being nurtured. This seed of a gift to the world. From my family. For my family. A seed which can absolve all doubts and remind me to twist out of darkness and summon the light, which is constant. To give thanks for that dark dark womb, without which the gift could not sprout. And to stretch calmly towards that light, as it is in my nature to do so. To exist. That, I already do. Please, my inner reflection of universal light energy and spirit of a mighty flame of kindness, please help me. I call out to the angels. Please help me remember what is mine to do. So I can dance and sing and show you too. To water my planted little seed, I breathe deeply right now and release the doubts of the previous weeks. Release the congestion of overworked thought. Release the buzz of other humans milling about. Hold compassion. Hold a new model of thinking, or, I do not "hold" it - but allow for it. Like my cousin Russell has said, only when you accept what you have, are you open to receive anything. I accept. On behalf of us all. May our beautiful world grow in love and consciousness.  Hi friends, Yanika here. Sorry to be kind of a downer with this quote, but I saw it on facebook today and couldn't help sharing, what with all the bullshit in the air around these awkwardly staged "conventions" happening in our country right now. As inspiring as certain speeches can be, they're just fanning our short-lived, wool-over-the-eyes, all-of-a-sudden-we-care flames, which could go out as quickly as the "yes we can" excitement. No, we can't, not as long as we continue to repeat the same cycles. Why give in to more illusion and promises while war continues? Why are we so comfortable living with such hypocrisy? And if we're not comfortable, what are we doing to create more ease and flow?
Or are we just burning away, spiraling either up or down... while no one can hear the fizz and crackle of our transformation, whether evolutionary or destructive, because there's just so much distraction from truth. Truth is, it's time to truly care, and truly change. Not just continue to play the facade and use the same vocabulary, the same recycled dreams, the same shallow systems of profit and gain, the wealth of the few riding the calloused backs of the many - as long as we're comfortable. As long as we can drink away the weekend and zombie away the work-week. And no, I didn't just return from Burning Man, with a psychedelically-inspired fire under my butt to wreak my own version of hypocritical didacticism... maybe I'm just typing all this out to channel the fire in my heart, which aches, for my Mother Earth, and the destruction we continue to unload on her (that is, on ourselves, as we are part of her. We comprise her, and she us). I can only give my love. I can only give my frequency. That's not so little, when it is amplified by our collective spirit... we all want to survive, thrive, live in peace, exercise our compassion and creativity... At some point in our lives, we've all been advised to not carry "the weight of the world on our shoulders." I must work for MY happiness, even while children die daily in Syria, or as I walk by the man sleeping on the sidewalk on my way to yoga class, right here in the great land of AMERICA to which my family migrated in search of freedom. But wait. Really? Why is this ok? I DO carry the weight... sorry, but I DO. I don't "mean" to. I "try" not to. But how can we live in denial? I remember to breathe, and let it go. I dissolve into Oneness and try to allow balance. My life, my family, friends, art, health, consciousness, etc - is absolute bliss, heaven on earth I'd even call it. And that is my contribution. My joy. It is a luxury to live in joy. It should be a birthright. And then what? I don't want to "start a non-profit," join an "organization," engage in "lobbying," or create wow-look-at-me-ART which will "change" your mind. I don't want to soap-box more paragraphs like this one in cyberspace where a handful of people will nonchalantly read it (out of boredom or morbid curiosity) and move right along to the next thing. I can't "change your mind," I'm trying to liberate, build, and enhance my own, so that maybe it can fathom something which we haven't quiet stumbled onto yet? What is the "new model?" When and how will we "think" of it? It takes a quantum leap. Solutions can be right in front of us, but we're turned away, focusing on loose threads sewn by tangled sources... “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” - Richard Buckminster Fuller Typing is the easiest form of getting it down for me. And I need to get it down, easily. No strength to write manually. No energy to use a pen on paper. Pressing keyboard buttons, I can manage. And even still, it's a bit hard at the moment. My aura is shrunken today. Gosh that sounds silly. But there are massive solar flares today. Biggest in five years, says NASA. I think I can feel them. Gosh that sounds strange. But I've been meditating on my solar plexus/third chakra all week and it's extra sensitive. It's yellow, and it's solar, and it can detect the sun's extra-long waves, reaching all the way to... me. And deeper still into the Earth and through its core and out the other side and on into space, and I don't know where else, and I know I sound insane, but there, I got it down. Just a thought. A sensation. Day started with a difficult rising from the bed (morning dreams held me captive), a reluctant trudge to yoga class, a barely-huffed-and-puffed-through class, an afternoon-long nap, and more laziness and moodiness in the evening. And sure, I brought it on myself. And I ain't even complaining of it now, just marking it so that I can remember the unproductive stupor for future reference. The numbness and heaviness in my bones, and buzz in my nerves and the fizz in my aura... it must be the solar storm right? What's it telling me? I want to be back to my daily-meditating self striving for higher consciousness. I am still there, even if I let go at times. Maybe when I pray so hard and hold mudras and meditate to the ocean (beautiful beach day back on Monday), it's expected that a day or two of lows come along... Polarity. Balance. Light and darkness. Shadow self. Shadow world. I know the goal is equanimity and consistency. But I welcome all polarities of spiritual experience. The flare officially reaches us in five hours. It's a full moon in four. Argued a bit with parents today and I shed tears. I question my motives and actions everyday but I also practice gratitude and positive affirmation... and visualization for a beautiful future. What really does it hold in store? Yes we are to create it. But what is it that we are going to create? Really. Honestly. In which directions are we headed? "World War III" ? Enlightenment and ascension? What the heck? So many ideas and projections. What are mine? Beauty, love, peace. Even if I can't maintain it within my self and family at times? Yes. Even still. That's the world I strive for. How? I'm too lazy. There's too much in me I just don't know what to do with, how to use, how to transform into... what? What is it I need to do? What am I not seeing? 
"The Third Eye," oil on canvas, by Yelena Chemerisov, my mother. Please visit her site! www.verarey.comEpic booming whisper nightly dawns on me and mine. Earth floats on, around and round, again, and ever reaching. Somehow territory loses grip the shadows lie the crescent dips, I'm missing something but here I am. I know the way and I stand ready. |
