 This Leo new moon is drawing from within me a tangle of self-confrontation. Lynx-spirit sits beneath my consciousness, drives me slowly through these dark woods - we see very little for the blur swallowing up my brain. It is a neutral darkness, however, a void from which I can create. Clean slate. But I don't feel clean. Not in thought. Perhaps in physical form and even spirit, but not in thought. Self-judgement never serves. I am not served. Self-blame never serves. I am not served. Self-pity never serves. I am not served. Can pray now - oh almighty flames - to the fire of benevolence I throw my worries. Take them, consume. Allow me to refresh my heart. Before the torturous thoughts multiply too far, please find again the dawn of a good mood, a better stance between the worlds, within my happiness. In the clean, dark, neutral void of moon in newness-phase, these intents I set: Strengthen the heart's desire for and manifestation of the radiant health of my family, starting with my child. Calm the nervous throes of imbalances within my mental, emotional, etheric selves. Download concise knowledge of which actions to take in the direction of my dreams, be it simply sitting and drawing, writing, dancing in my room, planning the birth experience, finding a home for Eric-me-and-baby, opening a studio/family business, applying to graduate school, etc. Anchor my [our/everyone's] prayers for RELIEF in the world. Solidify them within the crystal chambers of Earth Mother. Vibrate them throughout all molecules upon her and around her. Shoot them up into infinitudes where they will be amplified by Angels and carried throughout all time, space, and dimensions. Set them into BEING. Dear dark goddess Moon, I thank you for the choices you've illuminated for me to see, by your previous wholeness in my pragmatic sign of Capricorn, across from the Sun which sat in Cancer, configuring the energy of home. I opened my heart, and continue to, so that blessings may enter and also be emitted. At times, it has not been an easy summer for me, having met with many ideas to let go of, and while I can acknowledge that I've done so mostly with grace, I also acknowledge that it has taken a toll on my soul. I need reinforcements now. I no longer turn to the plant medicine which had so deeply helped me in times past. I turn to the whole glory of all nature, all living things, all breath and elements. I turn to my own heart. I turn and turn and turn, to be still. The child within me turns as well, and together, our hearts beat these intentions into being. With Jupiter also being in Leo, only one degree away from New Moon, may these intentions be blessed with the EXPANSION so beautifully empowered by that magical planet. "The Quest Degree (degree after) of the new Moon is Leo 5: Rock Formations Towering Over A Deep Canyon. We may be pushed to jump into the void, to take a big step, a big risk, or to figure out where we may have painted ourselves into a corner." ~ from Lynda Hill's Sabian Symbols  Taken at Moab, on way back from Colorado with my Eric. April, 2014 I open myself to this quest. May I either take the big step to begin applying for graduate school, if my intent [to download concise knowledge of action to take in direction of my dreams] is legitimate, true in my heart, and aligned with my destiny. Or may I understand where I might have put myself in a corner. i.e., is a "corner" something like only 10% chance of being accepted, then the task of getting funding, then the task of doing all the grad work while raising a child, then the task of, then the task of, etc etc, but wouldn't it be worth it, if it is truly in my heart? What will be my concentration of study and research? What will be the ultimate outcome and career move? Shall I also beseech the beautiful New Moon goddess for this information? Can it formulate better within me? The idea is the department of World Arts and Cultures at UCLA. You sort of create your own concentration. Here is the brainstorm I have thus far: Place of origin - diaspora - community Imprint - inner world - magnetizing to interests Mysticism - folkdance - "belly"dance unveiled as birth dance Psychological 'need' for expression - art and poetry as pulse Undefined instinctual leanings - psychosis Visual Art - Russian language and heritage - "gypsy" Becoming what one imagines And much more, but trying to keep it simple... yeah right! Please oh magic Moon add these questions of mine to your powerful void beyond our earthly comprehension. Help me to stir their vibrations within my soul and understand if I must leap, or if I must retreat - and work on the mysteries within my own realms, without branching out into academia ? Further thinking on this question, I'd like to incude a bit more from Lynda Hill regarding the Quest degree of this New Moon. I often resonate with Sabian Astrology, and the "Quest" degree is of interest because it is directly what we are heading into: "Keywords [for Leo 5: Rock Formations Towering Over A Deep Canyon]: Old structures and deep hazards. The choice: taking chances or standing still. Walking very close to the edge. Extreme sports. Risk taking. New takes on old situations. Additions to things long established. Masada.* Mountains. Valleys and gorges. Fortifications. Isolation. The grandeur of nature. The forces of evolution. Rock. Geology. Layers of permanence. Landscapes. Canyons. Vertigo. No going back. Stability behind - the unknown in front. Great heights. Monuments. The Caution: Painting oneself into a corner. Not being able to retrace one’s steps. Instability. Erosion. Jumping into the void without a safety net. Cracks appearing. Doing a “Geronimo.” Being right on the edge. Feeling like life is impossibly hard." I accept the caution of feeling life is hard… I summon all my strength so as not to give in to this tempting self-wallowing. I do not wish to even think this way in regards to the people I know are suffering in the world. Of course life is "hard' for them. "Impossibly" so. And yet, I would bet anyone that you can find open, loving, tender hearts in any war-torn region upon the Earth. You can find beautiful smiles, selfless acts, honest expressions. Perhaps even the ugliest of crimes which I judge as wrong and unfair, are merely honest expressions. Honest expressions of, unfortunately, the extreme imbalance in our world. I've spent the previous couple blog entries complaining of how our spirituality is not enough to lift up the injustices… and I am still sitting with this discomfort, this yearning for something deeper and greater than what we've so far "figured out." But I also know that I must continue to soften my heart, even in the face of the fear I feel regarding horrific things that are happening. They've always been happening, just with all our social media and immediate information these days, they are much more in our face. We must rise to the occasion of being able to see it, digest it, and do something about it. How exactly will a Masters degree in "World Arts and Cultures" help me to do something about it? That is my deepest question for this New Moon's loving darkness. As a child grows within me (five and a half months along at this point), I grow each day, with each heartbeat. I dedicate each breath to my own understanding of how to best serve the world, so that my son may grow up respecting it, thriving within it, and contributing to its wonder.  Image from www.veredgo.com * Masada - an ancient fortification in Israel, atop a rock plateau. I send my prayers there, along with the prayers of billions of our human hearts, wishing for RELIEF for the conflict in Gaza, which of course is a distance away from this landmark (one of Israel's top tourist destinations), but close enough to feel the Weight of our hearts' efforts. I mean, look at all the open expansive space! It can hold our kindness, our love, our truth, not to mention the actual humans who can't figure out how to share geographically abundant territory! There is room for us all, without the need to slaughter each other! I know there are conflicts happening elsewhere. Gaza is hot on our American news ticket, but represents an ancient and fundamental rift in our civilization's entire essence. I hope that with the amount of healing energy being emitted from truth-seeking, peace-loving hearts - all intense, unjust, unstable, deadly conflicts and miscommunications can be brought to resolution. My perhaps-naive little prayer on this dark new moon night, as the lion roars in the recessed cave of our conscience, is that we may know what to do, what action to take, what words to speak, what energy to transmit. May the vibration be raised to such a degree that the low frequencies of disaster abate. Rrrroar!!! Stand off!!!
My heart now feels purified by this cathartic process of writing all these words, per the beginning of this post, my mention of feeling unclean in thought due to self-judgement… self-blame - no more! I declare my heart pure. A child grows within me. I have a new gift, of a Mother's power. I say, stand off! Low vibes of nastiness and ignorance, stand off! Oh Moon above us, you must have observed so much by now, with your ongoing orbit, seeing the same shit down here centuries after centuries. Please clue us in, what can we do differently? Please help us raise our consciousness. I call to you, and to your celestial cohorts, infinite realms of guides available to us if we only reach out and call… I call. Hear me, for the sake of my growing child yet to be born into this spinning theater. For the sake of the children born not long before him. And for those born soon after. For us all. Born. To Live!
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The thing with dead ends
is when you reach one, you have to turn around. I find certain practices of mine still attempting themselves. I find myriad angles of viewpoints, yet no throughway beyond the maze. I complain of spiritual complacency, yet the new moon approaches and I scribble again in my hemp-paper hippie journal my "intentions." The planet does its spin and the wars continue to confuse, and still I pray, not knowing what else to do. I yearn for a solution from outside the frame of thinking which created the problem. But am I still thinking within this realm anyway? I complain that we retreat into meditation and bliss ourselves out, while children die daily… But then if I don't retreat into some form of meditation, my heart aches. How can I make my meditations more succinct in their purpose? Not just to lighten myself and raise myself, but to anchor such processes for the sake of our world? I beseech the heavens to hear my pleas for peace, within myself and within the world. I close my eyes and see endless movements of whirling possibilities of blissfulness, or nothing at all, just stillness and calm, just darkness, the void. Hot light from the Leo Sun blasts through the numbness, a prismatic little rainbow shows itself at the tip of a cloud on my evening walk, if only it weren't a chem-trail cloud, my inner monologue reminds me - teasing, taunting, jaded, dulled. If only I weren't dulled to the beauty before me, while smog fills my airways and I grumble at the congestion within me, and the congestion wihin my city, my town, my beautiful inner and outer worlds… There is hope for us yet. More than hope. We're just stumbling towards it. It's not ahead or behind. It's a quantum degree away. So close. So far. No space, no distance. Love. A salve applicable to everything, but how exactly? I see it in the everyday minutiae, I see it in every epic grandness that can be epic and grand. And still, I pine for something a step beyond it, a seat beside it, an understanding deeper within it, a point of view from its very shadow. 
Sun spun, rays woven into breath, given, taken, one and one and one,
waves ridden, sudden, hungry like the beast, whole and unholy, sparkling, fading, baiting, pulling in the thought. Thought by writhing thought, sensation of closeness, hollow vast view, textured sound of sky, and sweetness. Our mortal blink, our prayer for something better, our restructured definition of undefinable things. Things like peace, fairness, sustenance. Sun spun, rays sharing enough for all. What blocks the fluid slide? Something too dense? Something in us? Is it us? Blinking too long to maintain the view? I cannot see a thing at times. So a blessing is needed. I long for it so deeply, and choose to create it myself. A blessing for this summer solstice, from my heart, to the world.  "Valley's Sphere" by Dan Jones* Oh Easter Sunday and all your misguided attention, rather, the attention paid to you... so focused on male energy. So dominated by religion's tongue-in-cheek unacknowledged recklessness throughout history, how shameful and naive, all the beings lost in its name. Today I honor the sacred feminine energy. Rebirth, renewal, transformation, growth, the planting of seeds and the laying of eggs and all good and beautiful things. Righteous in my view, more so than any material or monetary thing or status. I long for our world's healing. I feel akimbo. There's a churning in my gut and in my heart. There's a solid line of force and love, from heart to throat to third eye and to crown and up to sun, and down again through and into the solar plexus, the hips, the base, the root, the crystal core of the planet, the everything of every star and every breath, all connected to the meditation I did on the beach yesterday, swaying like a reed in the wind, feeling the breathing of the Earth. Feeling the rapture and the poignant sadness, feeling the ache for absolution, the destiny of the unwritten, the points in space that time glosses over, the energy of song and movement, the knowingness of faith, the only bliss. Tonight I'm doing a gateway of light meditation and watching Thrive. Goodnight. 'The present moment is a powerful goddess.' -Goethe "We dance round in a ring and suppose ... but the secret sits in the middle and knows." Robert Frost See more of amazing sculptor and artist Dan Jones' work here Typing is the easiest form of getting it down for me. And I need to get it down, easily. No strength to write manually. No energy to use a pen on paper. Pressing keyboard buttons, I can manage. And even still, it's a bit hard at the moment. My aura is shrunken today. Gosh that sounds silly. But there are massive solar flares today. Biggest in five years, says NASA. I think I can feel them. Gosh that sounds strange. But I've been meditating on my solar plexus/third chakra all week and it's extra sensitive. It's yellow, and it's solar, and it can detect the sun's extra-long waves, reaching all the way to... me. And deeper still into the Earth and through its core and out the other side and on into space, and I don't know where else, and I know I sound insane, but there, I got it down. Just a thought. A sensation. Day started with a difficult rising from the bed (morning dreams held me captive), a reluctant trudge to yoga class, a barely-huffed-and-puffed-through class, an afternoon-long nap, and more laziness and moodiness in the evening. And sure, I brought it on myself. And I ain't even complaining of it now, just marking it so that I can remember the unproductive stupor for future reference. The numbness and heaviness in my bones, and buzz in my nerves and the fizz in my aura... it must be the solar storm right? What's it telling me? I want to be back to my daily-meditating self striving for higher consciousness. I am still there, even if I let go at times. Maybe when I pray so hard and hold mudras and meditate to the ocean (beautiful beach day back on Monday), it's expected that a day or two of lows come along... Polarity. Balance. Light and darkness. Shadow self. Shadow world. I know the goal is equanimity and consistency. But I welcome all polarities of spiritual experience. The flare officially reaches us in five hours. It's a full moon in four. Argued a bit with parents today and I shed tears. I question my motives and actions everyday but I also practice gratitude and positive affirmation... and visualization for a beautiful future. What really does it hold in store? Yes we are to create it. But what is it that we are going to create? Really. Honestly. In which directions are we headed? "World War III" ? Enlightenment and ascension? What the heck? So many ideas and projections. What are mine? Beauty, love, peace. Even if I can't maintain it within my self and family at times? Yes. Even still. That's the world I strive for. How? I'm too lazy. There's too much in me I just don't know what to do with, how to use, how to transform into... what? What is it I need to do? What am I not seeing? 
"The Third Eye," oil on canvas, by Yelena Chemerisov, my mother. Please visit her site! www.verarey.comEpic booming whisper nightly dawns on me and mine. Earth floats on, around and round, again, and ever reaching. Somehow territory loses grip the shadows lie the crescent dips, I'm missing something but here I am. I know the way and I stand ready.  Suddenly everything fell away. Splintered away rapidly, actually without a measurement of speed, but with a sense of vastness and all-inclusive suddenness. I mean, ALL inclusive. The modern world's conveniences, appliances, stigmas, sheltering sweltering beliefs and lies and dreams, all of it, suddenly, fell away. Away from this particular self which sat stoic and frozen, though breathing, upon my nightly bed before slumbering into dreamland, before keeping eyelids closed for so many hours, here I sat, and deep in meditation, all of it all fell away. And the moment was simple, and life was simple, just for the moment. It was not the past. It was not a point in time. Nor was it a location in space, nor in any dimension. It was more than a feeling, less than an action, sort of like an awareness, but more than that word... More, and less, simultaneously, suddenly, and all-ness, and everything-ness. And nothing.
I suppose it sort of did feel like "the past." Before there were computers and machines and guns and wars. (Or were there always wars goddamn-it?) Nevertheless, there was a beautiful delicious nothingness. Just a sense of human flesh, human spirit, human mind. Heart pulsating so divinely, so simply. We didn't even yet know what we looked like anatomically, inside. Perhaps we were made simply of light, and perhaps we did not even cast a shadow. But again, it wasn't really the past. It wasn't really before anything. Just a moment. Stretched to feel like timelessness. Stretched, highlighted and gathered into one point. But not one. And not a point. It's like Don Miguel Ruiz says, we don't know what we are. We just know that here we are, and we are something. And we call it human, we have many words for it. But what it really is, we do not really know. What is it to know anyway? |
