Still haven't purchased a domain name for this site. "Nika of the Black Sea" is seeming a little long and tired to me these days. Contemplating changing it to just "Nika of the Sea."

Researching the history of the Black Sea, I found this on wikipedia: Strabo's Geography reports that in antiquity, the Black Sea was often just called "the Sea" (ho pontos). For the most part, Graeco-Roman tradition refers to the Black Sea as the 'Hospitable sea', Euxeinos Pontos (Εὔξεινος Πόντος). This is a euphemism replacing an earlier 'Inhospitable Sea', Pontos Axeinos, first attested in Pindar (early fifth century BCE,~475 BC). Strabo thinks that the Black Sea was called "inhospitable" before Greek colonization because it was difficult to navigate, and because its shores were inhabited by savage tribes. The name was changed to "hospitable" after the Milesians had colonized the southern shoreline, the Pontus, making it part of Greek civilization.

Cheeky. As if there are no other seas on the planet, let's just refer to my sea as "The Sea."

I am a mermaid soul. 
Woken from the waters of old. 
I roam alone and yet with all. 
My sea-home sings to me, a depth unknown. 

Or something along those lines!

Also, am named after Nike of Samothrace, Greek goddess of victory, whose infamous ancient sculpture (now housed at the Louvre) was built in honor of a maritime win. Her silhouette has graced historic sail ships as a figurehead for protection, guidance, victory in sea battle. Though I am a pacifist and don't condone any sort of battle over anything, the idea of her ancient symbolism always appeals to me. Particularly the idea of her being a guide, extending her vision ahead of the ship, scanning the horizon for what's to come, brave and strong. 

So. Nika of the Sea? A little less specific, a little less "using the word black in the title," which my Mother thinks is too foreboding. Her opinion is important to me. I've been married to the "Black Sea" idea for too long... it is the place I come from after all. But with this new title, it's like saying I'm of the whole world, rather than of California, or of Odessa. Sure. We are {mostly} all of this world. I think. 

Oh. And I love the wiki mention of "savage tribes." I was so there. 

My dear cousin Oleg. Moved to America and changed his mind in one week. All his things on our living room floor, and postal tape wrapping loudly while the cat, little baby Bella, snuck around sniffing the looming change. Rather, un-change. A return. A good decision I think. California is paradise, and yet. 

Last night I set my intention to go to Odessa this year. The Ukraine. Oleg being back in Kiev and Katya my father's granddaughter (not to mention his daughter, my half-sister, Sveta) being in Odessa. And me, being here in California. Now. But wanting so deeply to be there, at some point quite soon. Within this year. It's what I will be working towards. I do not want to lose sight of this goal. Don't want to let myself down on this one, as I have so many times before in my life. 

Oleg showed us some photos he took in Odessa.... our old street... Dad said it looked the same. I want to go there. Just to stand on that ground. Walk the Potemkin steps and breathe the Black Sea air. There is something there for me, even though I know that we cannot escape anywhere or find anything anywhere other than within the heart.... but oh I've so deeply probed my heart, and oh how I know that a lot of what I find in it is... Odessa. My personal epic odyssey. 

I don't have many regrets, but the major one is never visiting my grandparents when they were still alive. I really wish I had. 
It's like I didn't understand how valuable and sacred it is to share space with family members, especially older ones who have so much to teach us. 

Oh my deep deep painful sigh. 

I owe it to them now to at least go visit their grave sites. And for my sake, to breathe the air over in that land. True it's not the same place we left. But no place stays the same. Neither do we individuals. It's the emotion of the place, the emotion of the human being. My heart. My soul and eyes want to see. Home. 

And I know here in California is home... and I can't just turn on it. I never would, even if I left more permanently, it would always live in my heart too. Probably haunting as much as Odessa now haunts me. Or so I choose it to be. I choose the haunting, I welcome it, want it. It gives me depth. And a shape to the mystery. 

Again, I keep thinking that I'd lived on that land a long time... my ancestors, my self in previous incarnations, however you word it. I feel it pulling me like the moon pulls the tide. Strong but far. Having more influence than one can be aware of. Sweetly tormenting. 

New affirmation: I will go to Odessa this year.